SAY NO TO KNIFE AND YES TO LIFE
Wednesday, 31 March 2010
Tuesday, 30 March 2010
Monday, 28 July 2008
Sexual Dysfunction
Dedicated to all loving couples
Introduction
I am a relationship and psychosexual therapist. It is my job is to offer problem solving assistance to couples and individuals seeking professional help to sort out issues in their relationship or sex life which they are unable to sort out themselves. As you can imagine my work is very varied, lots of couples and lots of issues, at times, the same issue with different couples. I am, and always will be amazed at the infinite number of different ways couples can develop issues in their relationship, and even more amazing is the sheer resilience and courage of the couple to stay with their love for each other to conquer the problems.
The idea for this book came about after a growing number of couples, sometimes one after the other, arrived at my door seeking help with their unconsummated marriage, in particular where there had been abstinence for religious belief. The specific ways in which the marriage remained unconsummated differed, but the root cause in most cases was more or less the same.
People of a religious belief that forbids sexual intercourse outside of marriage honour themselves and their chosen spouse by abstaining from sex before marriage, for these couples, sex does not exit outside of marriage, it is not sex. The preservation of the body, to remain intact, even untouched until after marriage is a highly esteemed virtue and desirable quality in a bride or groom. The union that will occur between the couple on their wedding day is marriage and sex.
It is very popular to teach sex after marriage as the ‘icing on the cake’ message , and it is good to encourage and to remind the couples that sex is theirs to enjoy after marriage, to give permission to them to have a good time .
And, this is the precisely what sex for newly weds should be, and very often is, but there are also those whose experience is not like that at all.
Sex problems I believe remain largely a taboo subject in this society. Sex is spoken about, but usually in the context of an exciting, romantic, or light, humorous conversation or comedy. After a wedding has ended and the honey begins who amongst us would give a single thought as to whether the couple have managed to consummate their marriage?
Introduction
I am a relationship and psychosexual therapist. It is my job is to offer problem solving assistance to couples and individuals seeking professional help to sort out issues in their relationship or sex life which they are unable to sort out themselves. As you can imagine my work is very varied, lots of couples and lots of issues, at times, the same issue with different couples. I am, and always will be amazed at the infinite number of different ways couples can develop issues in their relationship, and even more amazing is the sheer resilience and courage of the couple to stay with their love for each other to conquer the problems.
The idea for this book came about after a growing number of couples, sometimes one after the other, arrived at my door seeking help with their unconsummated marriage, in particular where there had been abstinence for religious belief. The specific ways in which the marriage remained unconsummated differed, but the root cause in most cases was more or less the same.
People of a religious belief that forbids sexual intercourse outside of marriage honour themselves and their chosen spouse by abstaining from sex before marriage, for these couples, sex does not exit outside of marriage, it is not sex. The preservation of the body, to remain intact, even untouched until after marriage is a highly esteemed virtue and desirable quality in a bride or groom. The union that will occur between the couple on their wedding day is marriage and sex.
It is very popular to teach sex after marriage as the ‘icing on the cake’ message , and it is good to encourage and to remind the couples that sex is theirs to enjoy after marriage, to give permission to them to have a good time .
And, this is the precisely what sex for newly weds should be, and very often is, but there are also those whose experience is not like that at all.
Sex problems I believe remain largely a taboo subject in this society. Sex is spoken about, but usually in the context of an exciting, romantic, or light, humorous conversation or comedy. After a wedding has ended and the honey begins who amongst us would give a single thought as to whether the couple have managed to consummate their marriage?
Loss of desire
Other than the GP or medical services, I am unsure as to who, we understand as adults , would be the most appropriate person to share our concerns about sex with. Because of this, it can feel unnatural, awkward to approach anyone, even your spouse about a sexual problem.
When a couple discover suddenly that there is a sexual issue, or alternatively have known about the problem prior to marriage, but believed it would change afterwards, then find it has not, the start of a new life together can start to deflate like a balloon. Disappointing, frustrating, upsetting, guilt and hurtful are just some of the feelings expressed about this situation. Each spouse worries that they are the one responsible, and have the other down. Added to this, is the at times, slow process of accepting the problem is serious and is real, after all it is assumed by everyone that after the wedding day ends and the honeymoon begins, full married life immediately begins. The next step is commonly two options; visiting their GP. It is always good to talk through sexual problems with your GP as it may need medical attention. Where there is no medical basis for the problem, the GP may decide the problem is ‘all in the mind’. A good proportion of couples in this category will be referred to sex therapy, but also sadly a number of couples are not. I have heard stories of couples receiving insensitive or inappropriate advice to the ‘problem of their virginity’ from their medical services, this includes being told that the problem is inexperience - this is not helpful, or advised to have a drink of alcohol and watch porn - which can offend, and even more crushing must be receiving your first prescription for Viagra at aged 27 years. Happily, a lot of couples do find their way to the help they need, but this can take some time. The other option is to do nothing. It would not be unusual for me to meet couples who had lived in an unconsummated marriage for many years. They had held on firmly to a belief that ‘it would sort itself out, whilst others had given up after the cycle of ‘trying and failing’ took its toil on the relationship.
When a couple discover suddenly that there is a sexual issue, or alternatively have known about the problem prior to marriage, but believed it would change afterwards, then find it has not, the start of a new life together can start to deflate like a balloon. Disappointing, frustrating, upsetting, guilt and hurtful are just some of the feelings expressed about this situation. Each spouse worries that they are the one responsible, and have the other down. Added to this, is the at times, slow process of accepting the problem is serious and is real, after all it is assumed by everyone that after the wedding day ends and the honeymoon begins, full married life immediately begins. The next step is commonly two options; visiting their GP. It is always good to talk through sexual problems with your GP as it may need medical attention. Where there is no medical basis for the problem, the GP may decide the problem is ‘all in the mind’. A good proportion of couples in this category will be referred to sex therapy, but also sadly a number of couples are not. I have heard stories of couples receiving insensitive or inappropriate advice to the ‘problem of their virginity’ from their medical services, this includes being told that the problem is inexperience - this is not helpful, or advised to have a drink of alcohol and watch porn - which can offend, and even more crushing must be receiving your first prescription for Viagra at aged 27 years. Happily, a lot of couples do find their way to the help they need, but this can take some time. The other option is to do nothing. It would not be unusual for me to meet couples who had lived in an unconsummated marriage for many years. They had held on firmly to a belief that ‘it would sort itself out, whilst others had given up after the cycle of ‘trying and failing’ took its toil on the relationship.
Unconsumated marriage
One of the major common denominators in the case of unconsummated marriage is the wide canyon between what is generally taught about to us as very young people about sex, and what we really need to know as adults. This, I refer to as the difference between sex education and sexual functioning. Obviously, it is unnecessary and inappropriate to talk about sexual functioning such as how to approach sex, sexual excitement, arousal, techniques and problems during the first sex education talk in the early years of a young person, but sadly there does not seem to be this type of follow up about sexual functioning, which would be useful, instead it is mainly about sexuality and safe sex, which is extremely useful but not all there is to sex. It appears to be thought unnecessary to teach sexual functioning perhaps this because there is an assumption people will naturally get to understand about this, based on the idea that young people will start experimenting and find out for their selves? But, as I mentioned previously many people do not experiment with sex, some out of choice, others for religious reason, these groups of people will move from early years into married life armed only with the education they received about sex, and the learning experience from the people around them.
The learning experiences I refer to here is the combination of the sex education taught, if any together with the information transmitted and understood about sex from the adults who are around young people, most of this is not done deliberately, but rather instinctively from the individual’s own upbringing and attitudes to sex. This can create either a good or bad impression which often lasts a life time. Best case scenario is that sex is not spoken of as something to fear or is dirty, but is spoken about in non-threatening and relaxed communication with good emotions. Worse case scenarios are
The learning experiences I refer to here is the combination of the sex education taught, if any together with the information transmitted and understood about sex from the adults who are around young people, most of this is not done deliberately, but rather instinctively from the individual’s own upbringing and attitudes to sex. This can create either a good or bad impression which often lasts a life time. Best case scenario is that sex is not spoken of as something to fear or is dirty, but is spoken about in non-threatening and relaxed communication with good emotions. Worse case scenarios are
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